Return to 1998 SPRING Index
By Mr Goose Well that's another consumer-driven, Tele Tubby Christmas mercifully out of the way! And with the first blossoms of spring, you can look forward to a New Year full of chaos, confusion, and a regular dose of Cock-Up Factor Number 10.
Talking of which, doesn't Tony Blair look old and haggard? I saw our Prime Minster of People's Wallets on the gogglebox the other day – it was horrible and put me right of my goose-food. His human face-mask is visibly cracking. And as the alien within makes a bid for freedom, close-up camera shots reveal that rivets holding on his patented Toothy Grin for All Occasions are falling down like a politician's trousers.
Connoisseurs of shit and mayhem are not going to be disappointed with this year – I can feel it in my water. It looks like the captain and crew of the HMS Full Monty will have to cut short their holiday in the sun now Kofi has saved the world. Whadda guy! And what a deal too!
Saddam Hussein saves face. Meanwhile governments all around the planet can take advantage of a surrogate war on demand. Featuring a full media circus, with Saddam in the leading role of chief bogeyman, politicians in the west in general, and particularly those in the USA keep an excellent excuse for totally ignoring the serious issues that face our small planet in the name of international security.
Our politicians might even be able to justify further grotesque wastes of public funds on the development of our own high-tech, low-morals arms industry. This will no doubt continue to supply any number Saddam-style dictators with as many weapons of mass destruction as they want as long as the price is right.
Some sceptical geese claim there might even be a link between the Gulf business dying soon after Clinton's alleged rag-bag-and-shagging started to drop out of the headlines. His manhood asserted, but not aired in public, Clinton can now safely bask in the afterglow of being “a bit of a lad.”
Not wanting to be outdone (but being well outdone anyway) we Brits have come up with a new sex-crazed politician of our own in the form of Robin Cook. For those of you who have never heard of Robin Cook, (and hardly anyone has!) he's an unpleasant looking, ginger-haired, prune-faced, gnome-like little man. In a recent sex-appeal survey, nine out of ten geese who expressed a preference said “Robin Cook? I've never heard of him.” Apparently he's also UK Foreign Secretary.
Of course, Slick Willy has rather more sex appeal than Robin Cook – as do most people! Although Sarah, our Editoress says she thinks old Ginger Nuts is a human dynamo – but then she is short and red-haired herself – and perhaps she's a little biased?
Cook is to sex appeal what Eddie the Eagle was to ski jumping - only Eddie is famous of course and people like him. First Cook dumps his missus then he fires his secretary and tried to replace her with his mistress. Such a tatty little affair, its sheer unpleasantness could have really stirred up a hornet's nest for the British Governement, so the latest Gulf Crisis certainly came at quite a good time for Little Robin.
He was first to tell us about Saddam's huge stockpiles of chemical and biological weapons - enough to kill the world. These need to be destroyed, by force if necessary.
If/when diplomacy fails again, the US military will no doubt soothe us by claiming their missiles are so smart that they will target the Iraqi chemical dumps with pinpoint accuracy, and the fierce heat will completely destroy all last remnants of any toxic material.
Absolutely none of the nasties will be whipped up in the blast up into the upper atmosphere. Then they won't be carried for thousands of kilometres by the massive air currents that flow around the globe. Naturally, these non-existent toxins won't eventually drop out of the sky. Newtons laws of gravity are completely false.
If, by some slight miscalculation, a few droplets of Anthrax, or similar should come down in a shower, Western Governments can build on their huge success resolving the Gulf War Syndrome fiasco, as they deal with the millions of people who could be affected.
Then, safe in their hands, we can spend loads more public money building a weapon so smart that it realises the futility of war and sprays the skies with daisies spelling the words “Bill Clinton is Innocent”? Perhaps a simpler solution would be to insist Saddam show his weapons only when Clinton shows his?
My opinions don't necessarily reflect those of the rest of the team – ah well!