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With so many of the millennial gloom and doom merchants claiming the end of the world is nigh, UK motorists discount chain Halfords has offered its punters two rather novel ways of committing suicide. In the trivia section on page 57 of its 58 page Car Parts Catalogue (Issue 5 Spring/Summer 1999), two staggering claims are made…
For web surfers without graphics capability, it says...
Both these statements are at best highly questionable, at worst potentially
lethal ...
Firstly, if I were a wealthy little goose and assuming could get a Porsche 911 adapted for a large web-footed water-fowl, this piece of nonsense from Halfords implies that I could simply park my new Porsche in my office, switch the engine on and breath cleaner air than had the Porsche not been there at all. Now, they don’t teach chemistry at pond school but I would bet a fiver of anyone’s money that the carbon monoxide emissions alone would kill you in a very short space of time.
With regards to the claim that the Volkswagen Beetle is completely airtight: were this true, four people in a Beetle with both its doors and all is windows closed traveling from Southampton to London would probably suffocate before they reached Basingstoke.
Ferdinand Porsche, the guy who invented the Beetle, would be turning in his grave! Yes, we can do ‘trivia’ too.
To use the Southampton vernacular: it's Bollocks! Beetles aren't completely air tight! It has wind-down windows with small gaps around the seals and drain holes in the driver and passenger’s doors to let the water out again! Even, if you turn the heaters off, a slightly submerged Beetle will still ship water via the heat exchangers into the foot well ducts.
It is probably true to say that the Beetle would float longer than many other production cars. However I am reliably informed that when our Managing Editor drove a Beetle through a ford only a metre deep - showing off to a bird apparently - water was flooding in around their ankles in less than 60 seconds!
OK Halfords ‘experts’ say they wouldn’t recommend it, but why mention it at all? This sort of psuedo-technical claptrap really makes me stomp around my pond!
Despite several telephonic promises from Halfords representatives to rectify its errors and contact us with a definitive response before this edition went up on 1999-08-01, nothing has actually been forthcoming. So any curious geese out there in Computerland with a determined telephone manner should contact Halford’s Mark Prescott directly on +44 (0) 1527 513361.
Mark tells us he is always delighted to deal with tricky customer enquires, and clarify any promotional material that might have potentially lethal consequences for the consumer. Just don’t hold your breath my little goslings – unless you’re sniffing Porsche 911 exhausts hoping for a little clean air, of course!
Obviously our readers are far too intelligent to attempt either feat. Yet, Halfords claims its guys are motoring experts – it even has fitting bays in its larger branches. I wouldn’t trust any of them to mend my bicycle! Indeed, I shall always treat any technical advice offered by any Halfords representative with the utmost suspicion.
All fine examples of ill-informed advertising bullshit
masquerading as free technical advice are gratefully received.
Ed .
page created: 1999-08-08