Return To Summer 1996 Index
Return To Summer 1996 Index
Rule one: Aim for the top. Forget all you have been taught about hutches and Watership Down. You want to be indoors, where it's nice and warm, and you can demand what you want!
If you are lucky enough to be placed in a Pet Shop you are in an ideal situation to vet prospective humans. Now, house rabbits are bought by thirty somethings whose sisters told them vaguely (and without any real evidence) that you can keep a rabbit indoors and house train it. These humans are quite easy to recognise.
They're usually on their own for a start and have only popped in on the way home from the local department store. What the young rabbit must learn to spot at fifty hops are the following carrier bags:
What these bags mean, my bunnies, is its owner has large disposable, income - money to spend on YOU!
By the same token avoid anyone carrying 'Kwiksave' or '7-11'. They're (a) broke and (b) not organised enough to do a weekly shop. You could end your days as someone's dinner like my great-uncle Eric. What a tragic waste that was. And all because his owner was straight-out-of-food one dark night.
So how does the ambitious rabbit weed out the unsuitable family unit with its cluster of children and their dirty digits? Its really very simple - ruthless but simple. When they visit the pet shop, simply lie in wait.
You wait until their favourite child pulls your ears (and believe me it will). Then you bite down very hard with your two incisors onto its thumb and hang on. Do not stop until you draw blood. If you really want to deter a bad family, you can try other acts of violence or gross indecency. I found, personally, kicking a few guinea pigs to death always crushes any lingering doubts about my suitability with small children. (Do we really want this sort of stuff? - Ed. Yeah, lets eat 'im Mr Goose.)
The assistant who had put these pets in with me to keep me company was sacked. Ah well! Anyway, the family proposing to buy me was simply appalling. I backed away and stamped my foot in alarm and broke the guinea pig's leg. Shock and tears all round but the family left pretty swiftly so it all worked out all right.
'To 'catch' the human of your dreams you simply apply the above principle in reverse. I saw mine Sarah Keen several times before netting her. I nearly lost her to a dwarf Dutch but in the end, my charm won through. When she visited my pet shop, fortunately my cage door was open. So I hopped over to her and let her pick me up (YUK!). I fluffed out my fur and batted my eyelashes and she was captivated. The shop assistant had me in a box and at the cash till before the poor little human could think twice.
So you see with luck and determination, you can get yourself the ideal pad. Bon chance mes amis!
Coming soon: How to manage your new home: essential items.
