Return To Summer 1996 Index
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It's a cold Tuesday night in November, an away game at Hull and it's raining. The pages of your match programme have stuck together while serving as an impromptu umbrella. You bite into the pie you have just queued ten minutes for and cough up a lump of gristle worryingly similar to a bull's testicle. The tea is cold. The score is 0 - 0 with only minutes to go. You're beginning to wish that you hadn't bothered coming all this way to see such a dire performance.
On the pitch, the opposition goalkeeper holds the ball. He's has all the time in the world. Noticing a divot inside his goal area, he proceeds to tread it down. Well, why not give the ground staff a hand? It's not as though we came here to watch a game of football, is it?
And then it comes. From somewhere behind. The exasperated voice of a fellow fan cuts through the night air with words so devastating in their wit, so unexpected, that, for a few seconds at least, your misery is forgotten:
"Come on keeper! You're not a bloody gardener!!!!!"The crowd in earshot of this anonymous character burst into laughter. Others chuckle to themselves while pretending to concentrate on the game. You never see who's responsible, but you wish that you'd thought of it first only to spend the rest of the game desperately trying to come up with your own perfectly timed witticism.
It's never going to happen - the guy behind you is the new King of Comedy. He deserves his own show. And the thing is, he never meant to be funny - this was the result of pure frustration and disgust! But in a simple sentence he has summed up the feelings of probably everyone inside that ground.
Those exasperated words will probably be your lasting memory of the game. After all, who were Eastbourne United playing that evening when they ran onto the pitch in their black track suit tops, black shorts and black socks only for some wag in the crowd to remark, "How many refs??!!"?
Who was the opposition player laying prostate on the turf when an encouraging Wrexham fan bellowed, "Go on Benno, kick him- he's still down!!"?
Was he the same Robins fan who, in an embarrasing display of political incorrectness blasted, "For Christ's sake! They haven't eaten for months!!" as his team struggled against Romanian opposition in 1995? And how many other Brighton fans on the terraces echoed the sentiment of the frustrated supporter who came up with, "don't be scared of it- it's only a net!" at the Seagulls' lack of scoring prowess?
Terrace humour can brighten up an otherwise terrible game, although some comments can be construed as horrendously offensive when taken out of context. Football matches provide fans with perhaps the only opportunity to let off steam and comments often come naturally to those who want to shout at players, the referee or lines persons - particularly in the football ground with the resultant atmosphere it generates.
However, I must say that I have heard comments that I could never defend, ones that really were not funny - especially given the increase in family attendance at today's matches. It has to be said, though that terrace humour is, on the whole, pretty harmless (and often outrageously funny) stuff. They may be killing off the terraces but they can't take away the humour.
Are you the stand up comedian, always heard but never seen? Have you heard any comments of searing wit that brightened up an otherwise dull game?
I think we already have found 'im Shaun! His name's Simon Dunkley - Ed.
