Return to Team Index
My name is Goose, Mr
Goose, and I don't like humans very much.But I'm a quiet little goose really, and greatly misunderstood. All I do is swim around my pond on Southampton Common, quietly minding my own business, hardly complaining at all. I observe humans from afar, taking all the food they have to offer, honking loudly at their obnoxious kids, and hissing violently at their horrid, yappy little dogs.
I pass the time quietly, with my friends, wiping my big, white, feathery bottom on the occasional moor hen, trampling on nasty, twee little ducks and frightening the children - brilliant fun!
Me and my mates often have running battles with white swans. Now, we hate swans, they are such poofs! Great long necks and everything. They reckon they own the place!
But they don't, us geese do, and we don't look effeminate. We just love sneaking up behind swans pecking at their cygnets and swimming off honking loudly. You see, geese are elegant birds, whereas swans are just pooftahs!
You probably know that there's been a lot of fuss lately about swans getting tied up in discarded fishing tackle and strangling themselves. Well I reckon hanging's too good for them! Swans are vicious devils. One dive-bombed me and my friends the other day - scared the living daylights out of us I can tell you!
Look - a poofy old swan - doesn't he look silly!
Honk! Squawk! Hiss!
Anyway, the Millennium team begged and pleaded with me to do some stuff for their dreary little magazine. Quite honestly, I reckon that my articles are the only bits worth reading. Although they do have some tasty babes working on the editorial team - but I am not allowed near them!
Besides, I don't understand any of this
Internet business. I reckon it's a load of old cobblers, and they only want me
so I can write all the nasty stuff, and they won't get sued. After all, have you
ever tried suing a stuffed glove puppet called Mr Goose - you'd look rather
silly wouldn't you? Anyway, I'm bored now so I'm off down the pub to
demand bucket loads of Guinness and a huge dish piled high with really nice goose food!
Honk! Honk! Mind the gap! Stand clear of the doors please!
Probably the best goose in the world, and very modest too!
---Just one word to say to you, Mr Goose - Christmas! - Ed.---
