I am the good quiet little goose and greatly misunderstood. I swim around my pond on Southampton Common, quietly minding my own business, hardly complaining at all. I observe humans from afar, taking all the food they have to offer, honking loudly at their obnoxious kids, and hissing violently at their horrid, yappy little dogs.
I pass the time quietly, with my friends, wiping my big, white, feathery bottom on the occasional moor hen, trampling on nasty, twee little ducks and frightening the children – brilliant fun!
Me and my honky mates often have running battles with white swans. Now, we hate swans, They are big feathery poofs! Great long necks and everything. They reckon they own the place!
But they don’t, us geese do, and we don’t look effeminate. We amuse ourselves by sneaking up behind swans, pecking at their cygnets’ tails and swimming off honking loudly. You see, geese are elegant birds, whereas swans are just pooftahs!
You probably know that there’s been a lot of fuss lately about swans getting tied up in discarded fishing tackle and strangling themselves. Well methinks hanging’s too good for them! Swans are vicious devils. One dive-bombed me and my friends the other day – scared the living daylights out of us me can tell you! And they all got bird flu. Bah! Hiss!
Look – a poofy old swan – doesn’t he look silly!
Honk! Squawk! Hiss!
Anyway, the GarfNet mob begged and pleaded with me to do some stuff for their dreary little web site. Quite honestly, methinks that my articles are the only bits worth reading. Although they do have some tasty babes modelling for the new Coppermine test site – but me not allowed near them!
Besides, I don’t understand any of this Internet business. Methinks it’s a load of old tosh, and they only want me to write all the nasty stuff about that grinning shyster Tony Blair so they won’t get sued. After all, have you ever tried suing a stuffed glove puppet on the internet called Mr Goose. You would look like a swan – i.e. rather silly!
Did I mention that us geese hate swans?
Anyway, me off down the pub now to demand bucket loads of Guinness and a huge dish piled high with really nice goose food!
Mind the gap! Stand clear of the doors please!
Probably the best goose in the world, and very modest and humble and stuff too!