I had a small car accident the other day. I drove the goosemobile into the back of someone else’s car at some traffic lights. Little bloke, less than one metre tall got out of the other car, banged on my window and shouted, “I’M NOT HAPPY!”
I wound down the window, looked down at him and asked, “Sorry mate, which one are you then?”
:-)
Well thank goodness it is all over. England lost. No surprises there. No more stupid flag-waving and chanting (at least for a while). Hopefully the disgraceful behaviour of its fans will now subside into a more mundane and dreary level of chavdom and petty crime.
The fact that England (or “Engerland” as it is called by its grunting fans) got chucked out of the World Cup again is not the issue here. To get a feeling for the depths to which our nation has really sunk, take a look at this oafish, useless, spiteful, moronic chav. His mum must be so proud of him…
Yes folks, this is “Engerland’s” star player Wayne Rooney, stamping on another man’s testicles as he and the bunch of useless, overpaid left-footers he plays with botch yet another match.
What kind of a human being can stamp on another man’s testicles? And what sort of message does this send out to “Engerland’s” beer-swilling, brawling supporters. Is it any wonder English football fans behave the way they do when this is the example the players set?
Far from being some sort of national hero, Rooney should be charged for assault and if convicted, jailed for life. This is a criminal offence, and Rooney is a violent, useless chav who should be dropped from the team immediately.
Elsewhere, 1500 “Engerland” fans poured more shame on this once-proud nation as they rioted in the otherwise quiet island of Jersey. Apparently they wanted to smash up some Portuguese shops. Why? Because Portugal won a football match!
Strange to think that in the middle of the last century countless people gave up their lives to defeat Naziism. Today, vile racist thugs drape themselves in our flag and have a free hand to do pretty much whatever they like.
The English team and its Neanderthal supporters are a national disgrace. Perhaps before we embarrass ourselves again at the next “World Cup”, the overpaid plonker calling himself “England Manager” will have the good grace to resign his team from the competition before it plays a single match. That way we can avoid any further football-based national disgrace, on or off the field.
Perhaps the greatest irony of all is that racist, flag-waving scumbags here in old Blighty are forever complaining about immigrants. But take one look at our football team and the morons that support it. Look at our appallingly incompetent and corrupt Government. Look at the state of our streets, our public services and our infrastructure. Bear in mind we are one of the most highly taxed nations on earth. Why any self-respecting foreign person should want to live here is completely beyond me.
Following futher concerns from health experts about the global spread of bird flu, United States president George Bush has just announced drastic measures.
Tomorrow morning, the US Airforce will start bombing the Canary Islands.
[question] How many surealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?
[answer] A lemon.
This fairy tale was sent to me for publication. It’s sender asked to remain anonymous…
Once upon a time it was resolved to have a boat race between a Japanese team and a team representing the British National Health Service (NHS). Both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance. On the day the Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the NHS team became very discouraged by the result and morale sagged. Senior Management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found and a working party was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was that the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering, while the NHS team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
Senior Management immediately hired a consultant company at great expense to do a study on the team’s structure. Millions of pounds and several months later they concluded at a press conference that, “Too many people were steering and not enough were rowing.”To prevent losing to the Japanese team next year the team structure was changed to three ‘Assistant Steering Managers’, three ‘Steering Managers’, one ‘Executive Steering Manager’ and a ‘Director of Steering Services’. A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder.
The next year the Japanese team won by an even larger distance. The NHS laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment for new equipment and halted development of a new canoe. The money saved was used to fund higher than average pay awards to Senior Management.
Of course, this is only a fairy story, isn’t it?
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, “I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.”
Tom Thumb said, “I must be the smallest person in the world.”
Quasimodo said, “I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.”
They all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records in London to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. “It’s official! I AM the most beautiful girl in the world!”
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphantly shouting, “I am officially the smallest person in the world.”
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and asked plaintifly, “Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?”