Archive for the 'Spoof' Category

Nowhere, Absolutely Nowhere – my new record is out!

Thursday, December 25th, 2008
  

Actually it’s a bit crap really. In fact, you’d almost certainly prefer to listen to something else. But all my imaginary friends like it. In fact quite a few of them make guest appearances on the record. And I released it just in time for Christmas!


Honk! Honk!

Global political and economic theory explained by two cows…

Tuesday, December 9th, 2008

Variants of this have been doing the rounds for some years now. This is my updated version, especially for all those good, quiet, little geese out there in Internetland who are permanently baffled by human politics & economics…

Socialism

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

Communism

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

Fascism

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

Nazism

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

Bureaucracy

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

Conventional Capitalism

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron-style Venture Capitalism

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank.

Then you execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a company in the Cayman Islands.

This company is secretly owned by the majority shareholder.

He sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option buy one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

Obviously no balance sheet is provided because it has been shredded.

The taxpaying public then buys your bull.

American corporation

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire an expensive consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

French corporation

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads, because you think you deserve three cows.

Japanese corporation

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon‘ and merchandise it ruthlessly worldwide.

German corporation

You have two cows.

You genetically re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Italian corporation

You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

Russian corporation

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and find you have 42 cows.

You count them again and discover that you only have 2 cows after all.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Swiss corporation

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

Dutch corporation

You have two cows.

You want to make them happy.

You let them smoke some grass.

Chinese corporation

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.

You arrest all journalists who report anything different.

Indian corporation

You have two cows.

You worship them.

Iraqi corporation

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so the Americans bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a democracy!

Australian corporation

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

It’s a nice day.

You close the office early and go for a few beers to celebrate.

Hungarian corporation

You have two cows.

They both become very depressed and commit suicide.

New Zealand corporation

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

British corporation

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

Surrealism

i.e. corporate policy after a hectic team-building weekend in Amsterdam…

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Honk! Honk!

Letter from America

Tuesday, March 14th, 2006

A friend in New Jersey sent me this. I always thought Republicans were such sweet guys! Ah well, read on…

You know you’re Republican when…

  1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
  2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
  3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to the spirit of international harmony.
  4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.
  5. A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi- national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
  6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
  7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
  8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
  9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
  10. Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
  11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
  12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
  13. The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.
  14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need ourprayers for your recovery.
  15. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.
  16. Remember, Republicans will always be the first and fattest hog at the government trough.

Feel free to pass this on, remember: friends don’t let friends vote Republican!

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.E B White

Bushwacked

Sunday, March 12th, 2006

Following futher concerns from health experts about the global spread of bird flu, United States president George Bush has just announced drastic measures.

Tomorrow morning, the US Airforce will start bombing the Canary Islands.

Hurricanes hit Southampton

Monday, October 10th, 2005

A major category 2 hurricane called Shazza hit Southampton in the early hours of Tuedsay afternoon The hurricane epicentre was the fashionable suburb of Shirley. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering “faaackin ell!”

The hurricane decimated the area causing nearly £100 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa’s were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt-out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro-cheques arrived.

Local radio station, Power FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Shirley apart from the regular punch up’s outside the Henry Paget pub at closing time.

Nearby Millbrook resident, Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “I was, like, really freaking out! My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom smoking a large spliff crying “What the f*** was that?”

My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha on the telly the next morning. I must ‘av smoked 60 Lambert ‘n’ Butlers while I shat meself!”

However it was business as usual for some inhabitants. Muggings, looting, petty drug-dealing, spraying graffiti, senseless acts of vandalism, wife-beating and car crime carried on as normal.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, bone china from Poundland and a wide variety of well-used drug-taking apparatus. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight and special fried rice with curry sauce to the area to help the stricken locals.

How can you help?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include…

  • FILA baseball caps
  • ‘England’ football shirts
  • Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
  • Shell suits & leggings (female)
  • White sport socks
  • Rockport boots
  • Any garments by Burberry
  • Any items by George at Asda or Oswald Bailey

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include…

  • Microwave meals
  • Pork scratchings
  • Tins of baked beans
  • Ice cream
  • 500 ml cans of lager, preferably Carlsberg Special Brew.
  • 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
  • £2 buys chips, crisps, blue fizzy drinks and Slush Puppies for a family of 7
  • £5 will pay for a packet of Benson & Hedges cigarettes and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
  • And 25p buys a packet of Rizlas for recycling cigarette-ends and for spliff-rolling – a quasi-religious ceremony enjoyed by the indigenous peoples of Southampton.

Breaking news

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble covered in blood. “Where are you bleeding from?” they asked her.

“Bleedin’ Woolston” retorted the child angrily, “Woss that faaackin got to do wiv you?”

My poem about wales

Thursday, September 29th, 2005

Sorry if this offends any Welsh people out there, but this needs be said, preferably in the style of Richard Burton reading Dylan Thomas’s Under Milkwood, on a grey wet Welsh sort of day. In fact, the inimitable Mr G actually was inspired to write this poem after spending a rainy day in Holyhead and discussing the matter with some very disgruntled young locals. When asked what it was like living in Holyhead, all at once they chanted, “Bloody ‘orrible! We can’t wait to grow up & leave!”

Got some great pictures of Holyhead and the Menai Bridge though.


Grim, grey, grimy & grim,
That’s the Wales that I lived in.
Skies grey & black, deep dark bible black.
No bloody wonder I don’t want to go back!

NHS Boat Race

Friday, April 1st, 2005

This fairy tale was sent to me for publication. It’s sender asked to remain anonymous…

Once upon a time it was resolved to have a boat race between a Japanese team and a team representing the British National Health Service (NHS). Both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance. On the day the Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the NHS team became very discouraged by the result and morale sagged. Senior Management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found and a working party was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering, while the NHS team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

Senior Management immediately hired a consultant company at great expense to do a study on the team’s structure. Millions of pounds and several months later they concluded at a press conference that, “Too many people were steering and not enough were rowing.”To prevent losing to the Japanese team next year the team structure was changed to three ‘Assistant Steering Managers’, three ‘Steering Managers’, one ‘Executive Steering Manager’ and a ‘Director of Steering Services’. A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder.

The next year the Japanese team won by an even larger distance. The NHS laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment for new equipment and halted development of a new canoe. The money saved was used to fund higher than average pay awards to Senior Management.

Of course, this is only a fairy story, isn’t it?

Super ENGLAND Banners going cheap!!!

Tuesday, June 8th, 2004

New from Goose Enterprises

Click to view full size image

Yes folks, everyone knows that England is crap at football and will almost certainly lose again. But you can always show your fellow motorists just what a loser you really are with these super new Goose Enterprises England banners.

Fed up with not getting enough attention when you park in the disabled bay at the super market? These banners will certainly get you noticed! Now you can drive at 90 MPH over pedestrian crossings whilst using your mobile phone and smoking a cigarette with the other hand, all the time knowing that other drivers can see what a moron you really are. These banners are the perfect accompaniment to unfunny personalised number plates and moronic bumper stickers. Designed to fit neatly on top of your mismatching England flags, these pieces of old tat will really make your car even more dangerous to other road users than just having a couple of crappy old flags. Flags may only blind a few cyclists but these things weigh a ton and can really fall off and kill people! These superb products are designed to fit all sorts of vehicle usually driven by England fans including…

  • Ford Mondeo
  • Vauxhall Astra
  • BMW 3 series (the irony of driving a German car usually escapes the average England fan)
  • Any type of white van

Only £199.00 each! Special offer £500.00 for two!!!

What are you waiting for? Get yours now! Send large amounts of cash to…

Goose Enterprises
1, The Pond
The Common
Southampton

(Please allow 3 years for delivery and for me to leave the country with all your money.)