Webfooted Weblog

Variants of this have been doing the rounds for some years now. This is my updated version, especially for all those good, quiet, little geese out there in Internetland who are permanently baffled by human politics & economics…

Socialism

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

Communism

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

Fascism

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

Nazism

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

Bureaucracy

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

Conventional Capitalism

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron-style Venture Capitalism

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank.

Then you execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a company in the Cayman Islands.

This company is secretly owned by the majority shareholder.

He sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option buy one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

Obviously no balance sheet is provided because it has been shredded.

The taxpaying public then buys your bull.

American corporation

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire an expensive consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

French corporation

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads, because you think you deserve three cows.

Japanese corporation

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon‘ and merchandise it ruthlessly worldwide.

German corporation

You have two cows.

You genetically re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Italian corporation

You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

Russian corporation

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and find you have 42 cows.

You count them again and discover that you only have 2 cows after all.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Swiss corporation

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

Dutch corporation

You have two cows.

You want to make them happy.

You let them smoke some grass.

Chinese corporation

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.

You arrest all journalists who report anything different.

Indian corporation

You have two cows.

You worship them.

Iraqi corporation

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so the Americans bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a democracy!

Australian corporation

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

It’s a nice day.

You close the office early and go for a few beers to celebrate.

Hungarian corporation

You have two cows.

They both become very depressed and commit suicide.

New Zealand corporation

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

British corporation

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

Surrealism

i.e. corporate policy after a hectic team-building weekend in Amsterdam…

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Honk! Honk!

Seems likely that UK police forces will have to delete the DNA records of hundreds of thousands of innocent people – all of whom have no criminal convictions. The European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg ruled today that retaining this data breaches human rights law. The Court said that keeping innocent people’s DNA records on a criminal database breaches Article Eight of the Human Rights Convention, covering the right to of privacy and family life. Apparently the British Government has until 2009 March to decide what it is going to do. Currently, UK Police forces keep a staggering 4 million people’s DNA patterns on computer.

Of course some sceptical observers believe that police will keep the data anyway and threaten any whistle-blowers with prosecution under data-protection / secrecy / privacy laws. And if the coppers cock it up, get caught-out and the 5hit really hits the fan, then the Government will deny all knowledge and the whole thing will be blamed on (yet another) computer error.

Obviously no one wants rapists and criminals wandering the streets. However, I doubt that collecting lots of innocent people’s DNA would ever significantly reduce their numbers. Moreover, it seems to me that our biggest threat is not the criminal, or the terrorist. It is in fact our own Government.

Our Government has conned us into accepting curtailment of our civil liberties as part of its war on terror, involved us in an illegal and hugely expensive war in Iraq, based almost entirely on falsified evidence and it has repeatedly proved itself incapable of handling our sensitive personal data in a safe and responsible manner.

Now this Government is trying to force us to carry electronic ID cards, supported by the same incompetent private companies behind so many of its other expensive IT failures. Worse, these cards will not merely carry biometric and other sensitive data that we will not be able to access ourselves (unless we hack them), the cards will also be enable the authorities to identify us remotely as we walk through public places.

Of course, there are some that argue that if the Government mismanages ID cards in the same way it has mismanaged so many other publicly-funded IT projects, then these ID cards would actually be quite a boon for criminals and terrorists. If these cards are hacked, cracked or cloned then your personal information and even your personal identity could be available on the black market to the highest bidder, in a highly credible format.

Seriously scary stuff IMHO.

Honk! Honk!

I’m not a huge fan of political celebrations. Nevertheless, I have to say I was actually quite moved by last night’s goings on over there on the other side of the pond. It’s not just the obvious: USA ‘s 44th president being a black man and the signal that ends out to the rest of the planet. Don’t forget that before the changes forced by the Civil Rights movement in the 1960′s, some states did not even allow black people to vote! And it’s end of the Bush dynasty and a massive poke in the eye for the the appalling Republican neo-cons who enabled “Dubbya” to rule over the most inept and corrupt administration the USA has ever suffered.

I was also very taken with the conciliatory nature and graciousness of both John McCains concession speech and of Barack Obama’s acceptance speech. I felt both men actually displayed great dignity and wisdom – and I am not exactly a big fan of politicians. It was also quite reassuring in an age when one could be forgiven for thinking that democracy is dead, to see the massive turnout and how many young Americans actually took part.

Obviously the devil is in the detail and many observers suggest this will probably be the shortest election honeymoon period in history. But for now, I’ll suspend my usual scepticism and disbelief and wish all concerned all the best in what some have described as “America’s Mandela moment”.

Honk! Honk!

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Anyone who follows the news can’t have missed the current economic gloom:-

• http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7644238.stm

The US Senate just agreed George Bush’s $700 BILLION bailout for failed Wall Street financial institutions – though Congress actually rejected the plan on Monday. Similar rescue plans are afoot all over the planet. But should the taxpayer be bailing out the fat cats – giving them a so-called golden parachute made out of our hard earned cash? Or is that the price we have to pay? Will it work anyway? Trouble is it seems the banks no longer trust each other, so why should we trust them?

I think we should be talking less about bail and more about jail for those responsible for this monumental cock-up. But who is to blame? George Bush? Gordon Brown? Greedy bastards in Wall Street & London’s “Square Mile”? Or perhaps our “leaders” are correct and we should blame the “great unwashed”, for borrowing more than they can afford to pay back? Fortunately, I can’t borrow any money even if I wanted to because UK banks don’t lend to geese.

Anyway, what are good quiet little geese like me supposed to do next? Sit tight, with our heads in the sand and our wings up our big, white, feathery bottoms, hoping for the best? Or perhaps should we pawn everything we own, spend our last few quid on a handful of gold Krugerrands and head for the hills?

And if all this isn’t depressing enough then check this out:-

• http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/thereporters/robertpeston

Honk! Honk!

I’m not really a fan of violent protest. But in this incident, I think the Hungarian egg terrorist deserves a medal. It took place in Budapest, Hungary on 2008-05-19. Note the way the egg thrower just wanders off after the event. Also note the caption on the back of his shirt: “Microsoft = Corruption”

Seems this young man wants Monkey-Boy-Ballmer to return the 25 billion Hungarian forints Micro$haft has extracted from the Hungarian people for its overpriced but under-performing products. Indeed, Hungarians, like many other computer users around the planet have a lot of reasons to be severely displeased with Micro$haft. For example, Charlie Barcza:-

http://www.garfnet.org.uk/joomla/content/view/118/57/

Mind you, with a target as large as Ballmer, this Hungarian guy must have been a rotten shot! Or perhaps the eggs were formatted with Vista? Or perhaps he should use goose eggs next time. They are bigger!

Honk! Honk!

Interesting that folks this side of the pond are starting to talk in terms of recession. The situation really is very worrying indeed. Home repossessions have doubled, paid work is becoming harder to find and I think there is much worse to come. There are number of very serious contributing factors in my view:-

• The sub-prime lending fiasco – people lent far more money than they could afford to pay back.
• Big banks no longer trusting each other and unwilling to lend money to one another. This inter-bank lending is what lubricates the wheels of free-market capitalism. If it dries up then basically we are buggered.
• A totally decimated industrial base. What do we actually make here in the UK? Bugger all.
• UK and the United States having economies that are tied together too closely. If Washington sneezes we catch the flu.
• UK (& US) wasting billions of dollars on a long, drawn-out and utterly pointless foreign war. I still don’t understand how Blair got away with this. The guy should be standing trial for war crimes, not swanning about as Middle East Envoy.
• The Iraq war has also resulted in oil-price-instability and hence a massive hike in raw energy costs.

What seems to be forgotten is that wars cost money. This money and this has to come from somewhere. It has already cost the US three trillion dollars. Our Government won’t actually tell us what it’s cost. I suspect it doesn’t know how much it has cost!

Finally, I think these national current account figures make particularly depressing reading. Note the three countries way down at the bottom – i.e. those with the biggest national debt – are the United Kingdom, Spain & United States. Remember, these are also the three major players in the Iraq fiasco:-

https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/rankorder/2187rank.html

And remember these are the CIA’s own figures!

We are really in the poo methinks…

This allegedly US-produced map of the world, simplified to the point of stupidity, sums up graphically how many people around the planet regard the average American view of the world…

But is it really fair or wise to write off all Americans as dumb or arrogant?

Firstly there are plenty of dumb, arrogant and generally unpleasant individuals here in Old Blighty. There’s no chav like a British chav! I’d say that Springer’s flow of “trailer trash” actually seems quite bright compared to some of the specimens one sees dragging their knuckles along Shirley High Street, here in sunny Southampton.

Secondly, I think the current incumbent in the White House has probably done more to damage America’s reputation abroad than all other US presidents put together. But you can’t damn a nation because of its damned president! Remember that only 25% actually voted for him – and the vote-counting in several states was far from transparent.

Thirdly, America has done some great things, (e.g. Man on the Moon, Arpanet, Unix, GPS, Hubble Telescope, Maglites etc.) – along with some fairly dreadful ones of course (e.g Macdonalds, Microsoft Windows, Iraq war, Vietnam War, Jerry Springer Show, etc .)

Fourthly, there are a lot of Americans who are deeply distressed by their image abroad. There is a definite sense of , “Hey, when did we become the bad guys?”. I remember one American friend ringing me on the eve of the Iraq War saying she felt ashamed to be American. Another young American lad I got chatting to on a bumpy bus ride across one of the Hong Kong Islands told me that in his travels around the Far East he seldom admits his nationality, for fear of attack. He tells people he is Canadian.

On the bright side there are voices of resistance and they are growing stronger. We don’t hear much about it here – not unless you spend a bit of time on the internet.

This is my favourite. It is excellent. These people actually tell the truth! Bush’s administration don’t like them very much but it makes one think there may be hope for America – and the rest of us – after all..

• http://www.truthout.org

I’m not awfully keen on Mondays. Actually I’m not particularly keen on mornings generally – being something of a creature of the night.

Just been rudely awoken by the planet’s noisiest bin men. Never understand why they just settle for kicking my wheely bin round a few times and thumping the side of the dustcart whist revving the engine till the governor cuts in. Go on Why not go the full hog? Blow the bloody lot up with some gelignite and let me get back to sleep!

I have a shed load of work to do but no energy or inclination to do it. Coffee has gone cold again and I can’t be bothered to waddle over to the microwave to heat it up again. And I can’t find my goose shoes. In fact, I am of the opinion the world is full of bastards and they are all out to get me. As as the late Kenneth Williams observed in his toga-clad role as Julius Caesar in Carry on Cleo,

“The infamy, the infamy, they’ve all got it in for me!“

I had a small car accident the other day. I drove the goosemobile into the back of someone else’s car at some traffic lights. Little bloke, less than one metre tall got out of the other car, banged on my window and shouted, “I’M NOT HAPPY!”

I wound down the window, looked down at him and asked, “Sorry mate, which one are you then?”

When I was a mere gosling, I remember visiting Paris and thinking how much dirtier it was than London. Today completely the reverse is true. London must be Western Europe’s grubbiest capital.

Nothing seems to work properly in London any more, does it? Bin bags strewn across the pavement. Unintelligible or non existent road signs. Short bits of wide road joined by ridiculously narrow ones so that nothing actually joins up. Congestion charging. Potholes. Dog turds. Litter. Chewing gum on the seats of all the buses and tube trains. Great ugly lumps of concrete dumped in the street to “prevent terrorism” but actually just prevent the traffic moving.

And then, when you are stuck on the South Circular at virtually the same spot for two hours waiting for the smoky poison-pumping wreck of a bus in front to move forward another two centimetres, you have to read some smug advertising hoarding commissioned by Ken “newt-brain” Livingstone telling you how bloody marvellous London is since he took the helm!

And don’t get me started on that mismanaged cesspit they call Heathrow!